“Even though I like you, Sugawara, even though I’ll never reach you no matter how much I chase you…even though it hasn’t gone away...”
This was difficult; you knew it would be before you decided to do this. The emotions that were bottled up in your heart, ranging from love and lust, to sadness, and even anger, were all ready to explode, taking the form of hot tears streaming down your face, reddened cheeks, and a recurring whine in your voice. “...I don’t want to be defeated by love.”
The boy’s eyes soften at your sudden outburst. He stands a few feet in front of you, awkwardly holding a gift of homemade chocolate you gave to him just a few moments ago, before you began crying hysterically and admitting your love for him. A love he couldn’t return. The sky above your heads appeared heavy and ashen, a sure sign of rain. But you weren't finished telling him what you had stored inside for almost two years, and you promised yourself you would, sure that he would've had a change of heart in the time that you confessed to him between last year and now.
“[First name], I told you this already…”
“I know, Suga. I know!” You bawl out, as your hands try in vain to wipe away the tears clouding your vision.
He rubs the back of his head, not understanding your reason for not accepting ‘no’ as an answer. This was difficult for him, too. The boy was almost too nice when it came to rejection. He almost always left his admirers misunderstanding his sugarcoated words. It gave them hope; hope that they would always grasp and cling to and never let go. You just happened to be another one of those admirers. Ever so hopeful. Perhaps too hopeful.
“Then why won’t you...y’know, back off already…? I told you, I can’t get involved with girls...or anyone, for that matter…”
The wind won’t stop. It was cold as it hit your legs, bared by your skirt, but not as cold as Suga’s words. ‘Back off already’, he said. ‘Back off’. It made you shiver with despair. He couldn’t mean that...was he ready to throw away your friendship, too?
You clear your throat, and say to him rather bravely, “Because even though you won’t grab my shaking hands, I don’t want to be defeated by love.”
He only sighs and runs a hand through his silver hair, closing his brown eyes in guilt. “[First name], what does that even mean? Come on, stop being silly…I don’t have time to be in a relationship...partners are so needy, and I can’t give them what they need. It’s better that things stay the way they are…”
You know what he said is true. He’s busy with club activities and exams; he didn’t have time for you. It was nothing personal, he was just being honest.
“Also...I can't accept this.” Suga refers to the heart-shaped slab of chocolate, wrapped in a cellophane bag, in his hands. He waves it around carelessly. “If I did, it would give you hope. You would just think that I could maybe change my mind about your confession again, but I won’t. So here, take it back.”
Ah, how hard you worked on that gift for him. You even went and bought a cookbook from the store, then went on a quest for the best ingredients for making homemade chocolate. He would appreciate it more if it was handmade, you thought. The sweet substance could win him over, laced with sugar and love. After hours of painstaking work, you ended up with an impressive and edible masterpiece. White chocolate tinted pink lined the edges, and his name was written in white in the middle. He’s going to love it! And he’s going to love me! It won’t be like last year, again. Second time’s the charm!
“Come on, don’t make this harder than it has to be, [First name]...”
“Can’t you try, Sugawara? Just try! Try it for me!” You shout at him, angry after seeing him carelessly handle your gift to him. How dare he disregard a labor of love like that. The wind seemed to escalate along with your mood, and a sudden gust whipped your hair over your face.
He senses that he had been wrong to mishandle the gift, and returns to his previous demeanor. His gentleness was just one of the things on the list that made you fall for him. “...Why do you keep insisting on this? I can’t do what you want me to do; it just wouldn’t work. Please face it, [First name], your love is unrequited, and it’ll never be anything else.”
You sniffle. "Keep the chocolate, at least. I made it for you, I don't want it back."
"If I do, will you promise to never speak of this again, [First name]?" Sugawara's eyes narrow slightly. He's ready for this to be over with. Spare him the ache and guilt he'll feel regardless of what you say for the next few weeks. "Will you please take my 'no'?"
"I won't, but I will, Suga. For now." You mumble under your breath, still refusing to face facts.
The boy sighs, defeated.
That’s all it is… a stubborn, ugly, unrequited love.